Leaving On a Jet Plane

I admit it, I was one of those people, pre-child, who prayed that I would not get stuck sitting next to the baby or toddler who was waiting to get onto the same flight as me. As soon as I saw the little sure-to-be-crying-troublemaker in the waiting area, my stomach would drop and I would immediately go over my list of all the good and bad karma things that I had done recently hoping that the good out-weighed the bad.  On boarding the airplane, I would find my seat and watch as the brave parent and sure-to-be-crying-troublemaker entered, willing them to walk by my row and breathing a sigh of selfish relief when they did. And now that little troublemaker is mine.

When getting on a flight now,  I pray that my sure-to-be-crying-troublemaker will fall asleep for the whole flight and be an angel.  I actually go as far as booking a seat at the very back of the plane so at least if she is unsettled no one will know where the noise is coming from.  I know...but I get embarrassed easily.    In theory, I have never been one who is opposed to "drugging" the child  with tylenol or benadryl to help the flight, but so far I can't bring myself to give it to my own child unless she actually needs it for teething or an earache. However, for those who have used it to get through a flight, no judgement from me.  As long as the baby is safe from harm, anything that helps has my blessing.

For the most part I have been lucky, my daughter has been amazingly good and has played or slept quietly through many flights since she was born. I have always been on pretty short flights and always non-stops.  I had had it easy and situation free on these flights until she turned one, when apparently my good karma  ran out, and I got some payback.  She cried for an entire two hour flight. Poor thing, it was horrible.  I had not been able to get her to drink her bottle upon take-off and her ears bothered her the entire flight. It is amazing how unforgiving people are on a plane. Most glare at you like you are really enjoying yourself and aren't stressed at all. Like you are pinching the baby to make her cry just to ruin their flight. And then the nicer people give you the look of "I have been there myself" or "you poor thing."  You smile apologetically back at them but what you really want is for someone to come over and take the baby for a while so you can get a break.   After all, they really can't go anywhere with the baby, so what's the harm?  Okay, not realistic but a nice thought.

Since that day I had sworn off traveling with my little sure-to-be-crying-troublemaker by air until she turned at least five. Of course this was just a pipe dream since she has family on the East coast who she was destined to meet sooner than later.  My husband and I held off for as long as somewhat polite until after she turned two then we put on our bullet proof vests, packed our "mean people" shields and headed to the airport for a six hour flight.  We had been given some great advice from fellow Gluttons-for-Punishment and hoped for the best.  Most ideas worked and then one huge one backfired.  Thank God for the bullet proof vests.  Unfortunately the one that backfired was my own idea so I can't even blame anyone else for our misery.

The ones that worked:

1. Pack a lot of snacks.  Toddlers get fickle when caged and a choice of food is a good thing.

2. Let them run off energy at the airport prior to boarding.  This is great and does help them to expel some energy before the cage match begins.  Of course, your fellow passengers will see this wild child and  fear will fill their eyes.  Watch how many lose all the blood in their faces when they realize that this child who is running around and climbing on everything is on their flight.  Kind of a fun past time.

3.  Talk to the child if they are older than one and explain to them proper airplane etiquette.  No kicking the seat in front of them, no standing to make faces at the person in back of them, no throwing anything, no screaming, crying, whining and to please use their spa voice.  Another pipe dream I know.

4.  Have with you a handful of small presents.  Something that will entertain them for a while.  Give them one before take off, then every hour or so from then.  Or any time they get restless.  This is the best advice.  It really works.

5.  Most importantly for all children too young to chew gum or make themselves yawn, make sure they are drinking something they have to suck during take-off and while gaining altitude.  This will prevent their ears from getting injured.

The ones that would help if someone in power would just do them:

1.  SOMEONE PLEASE BUILD AN INDOOR PLAYGROUND AT THE AIRPORT!  It amazes me that they have them in malls but no one has decided to put one in an airport.  What better way to let a child expel pent up energy before the flight than a playground?   If there is an airport that has one, let me know and that will be my destination from now on.

2.  Real changing stations in the airplanes.   I mean REALLY?  Have the  airplane designers tried to change a baby in one of those bathrooms?  How about adding a changing area in the back row of the plane?  Help us out people!

The one that backfired:

1. Scheduling the flight during their nap time.  I thought this was brilliant: my toddler would be tired within an hour after take-off and fall asleep.  No such luck.  What happened instead was that I had a very  tired baby who couldn't fall asleep and was cranky, restless, and indeed a sure-to-be-crying-troublemaker for the entire flight.  Finally passing out just before we landed, which made walking through the airport tough and getting the luggage even worse.  

The best advice? Fly before they are 9 months old and after they are five.  Nothing in between.  If you chose not to heed this advice, good luck.